Today is the 27 Dec 2014. 

Christmas this year... felt so different. It's literally bittersweet. 

The baby has been born, and we've decided to name him 'Luke', and he's since kept us busy all day and night. I used to see it as a job (being a mother); one that perhaps require more dedication anytime, anywhere, but it has proved to be more than just it is. What is expected out of me is much more than what I was expecting to give, and the lack of sleep seem to make things more challenging. 

On the other hand, everyone is having such a good time with Christmas and parties. And to see Bruce and Joyce on SIA suites to NYC for Christmas, it's heart wrenching. I was supposed to be in NYC for Christmas this year, and to see the ball drop, but it would be wrong to blame it on the baby for missing yet another year. 

Many times, I asked myself, what the fuck have I got myself into? I could have lead a fabulous life in NYC, walking down Times Square and having Martinis on Friday nights enjoying breath taking views of the city (even if it's in a rental studio apartment I'm living in, at least it was in NYC). But endless times, I've see the joy of what right decisions have turned out to be, the smile on my husband's face when he look at the baby, it made everything instantly better. Right decisions versus heart decisions... it's not that difficult a decision to make if you properly analyse the situation, but the emotion to control that comes along to it. 

I don't deny that my appetite has dropped drastically since the delivery of my son, but I really don't wish to force myself into eating anymore now that my mind is full of shit. Mom and Dad has been asking what I'd like to have almost every meal of the day and it's frustrating to deal with. But knowing they're doing this because they care makes me suppress my anger even deeper. 

I have a deadline to pick up the skills of being a mother, because I have a job to hold. 

I still want NYC, but perusing it the way I visualized it, it's just... not, right. 

Oh god, what have I got myself into?